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Sibling Rivalry

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Q: My brother is getting married in September. Should he have the right to say no one else can get married that same year? My fiancé and I want to get married in April, four months before my brother, and he is telling us it’s inappropriate. Please advise.

A: Some couples do like spacing out their wedding from others in their immediate family, but it is by no means necessary. It may be a good idea to keep you and your brother’s weddings at least a few months apart, both for financial and practical reasons, but there’s no need to get married in separate calendar years. I suggest talking it over with your brother and the rest of your family. Perhaps moving your wedding date back by a month or two will put the issue to rest, but there is no need to get married in an entirely different year.

Do you have a wedding dilemma? Email your questions to feedback@weddingbells.ca.

Comments

  • Chloe

    I will start off by saying, every situation is different. Obviously if someone is having a 3 year engagement it is silly to expect someone to wait, but here is my situation.

    My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years. He proposed to me in December, and we set our wedding for June 2013. His younger sister, has been dating her then boyfriend now fiance for under a year.

    Not even a month had past since our engagement when his sisters boyfriend decided to propose. The both thought there was nothing wrong with this at all, but I honestly felt like our thunder was stolen. My fiance has a pretty strained relationship with his parents to being with, while his sister is very close with both of them. When we got engaged he was finally getting along really well with his parents, and it was a very proud and happy for time for him. When his younger sister’s surprise proposal kind of came crashing down on our parade.
    He is taking it harder than I am, but it still irritates the hell out of me. Not to mention, his poor mother now has to help plan and pay for 2 weddings. Most of our friends (some married some engaged) who are in their mid to late twenties fully agree with us, and believe it’s not proper etiquette.

    I think it’s circumstantial in most cases as every situation is different.

  • Super_Girl19

    I completely understand where people are coming from with this issue. My fiancee and I have been together for 6 and a half years. After 4 years of dating we got engaged and decided to have our wedding in sept 2012. My fiancees cousin got engaged the same year as us but a couple months later. (They had only dated for about 8 months before getting engaged.)They too decided to wait until 2012 to get married but chose the month of July. We were having dinner with all of my fiancee’s family and his cousin was there. She was going over all of her wedding plans which ended up being about 80% of what I was planning on doing. She even picked out the same venue as mine. Because her parents were footing the whole bill she had booked the venue and even the same caterer I was planning on having. It was and still is so frustrating!!!! But now I have new ideas that Im keeping on the DL and since shes booked everything I know she wont copy any of my new ideas!

  • Shelley

    I understand both points of view. I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and am not getting married until another year and a half from now. It’s a long engagement because we are both students and want to finish school/save up money first. My younger sister’s boyfriend just told me he’s thinking about proposing, and I am kind of hoping that he will hold off for awhile. He assured me that they will have their wedding after mine, as to not steal my thunder, but I would like to have them wait a little before they get engaged. I haven’t planned much of my wedding yet, as it is still 18 months away, so I would like to be able to go through that process alone and not coordinating with my sister. I want to pick out my wedding dress before she starts looking for hers.

    My advice to you, is that you don’t have to spread them out so far, but have your wedding after theirs and not before.

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  • Patty

    I can totally understand how difficult this must be as I am also in the same type of situation. My fiance and I have ben together for 5 years and we went to Mexico in May when he proposed. Apparently he has been talking about it for months. His older brother had just gotten out of a long term relationship with kids involved, and met someone else. They were engaged within 3 months right before my fiance popped the question. He still went ahead with the proposal as planned as I feel that our engagment is legit and theirs not so much. They originally planned on getting married this summer, but nothing came about. Meanwhile, my fiance and I have planned our wedding for Sept 2012. Now we hear that they are getting married in June 2012, but no date has been confirmed. I don’t discuss any wedding details with them and them the same. It is hard not too feel like your thunder has been stolen but all that matters in the end is that you get to spend the rest of your lives together.

  • BelleBridey

    This is a situation you have to be in to understand how awful it feels…. and I AM IN IT!!!! It is incredibly hurtful to be overshadowed by your sibling at a time that should be the happiest of your life…. so if you are considering doing this it and can wait- just wait and save everyone the agony. If you are going to be “together forever” why do you have to do it now?

    Critics will say that you only get one day for your wedding so it’s being selfish to ask that you space it out- when in reality it takes months and months to plan a wedding… and it’s nice to have the help and full attention of your family. This planning time leading up to the wedding should be special time for the couple. I have never been the type to want or beg for attention, but I was so looking forward to sharing ideas with my family without the words “WELL AT MY WEDDING, I’M GOING TO DO XYZ” or “WHEN I GET MARRIED, I’M GOING TO PICK THIS STYLE” while shopping for my dress.

    Background: My fiance’s younger brother decided to propose to his 22 year old girlfriend whom he has been dating for a little over a year…. and my fiance and I haven’t even been engaged for 2 months. We have not even notified our out of state family members, as we were waiting to tell them at the holidays in person. Now, that news will have to be a “dual share” and it will not be special… in fact it will seem silly and ridiculous.

    Here’s the icing on the cake: my fiance’s brother lives at home with his parents, has never paid a bill in his life, never moved out of the family home, does not have a full time job, and has 3 years of school left before he will try to get one. Oh, and his girlfriend is living at home and being supported by her parents, too. Somehow, right after we got engaged he decides he’s an adult and can afford a ring (probably since he’s never paid tuition, rent, or utilities). My fiance sat down with his brother to tell him how much this hurt him, and to please consider spacing out the wedding, and he didn’t care. This has strained our relationship significantly.

    My in-laws promised to contribute a certain amount of money to our wedding when we started planning- which will now have to be divided. It has been difficult and stressful having to plan around dates for bridal showers and other pre-wedding events. As others have pointed out, weddings close together pose a financial burden on out of town guests and family members who will attend both weddings. Seriously… just wait.

  • godiva

    my fiance and i were planning our wedding when his younger brother’s new girlfriend got ballistic and insist on they tying the knot too. This i feel is inappropriate because they dated later, they were younger than us, and we announced our wedding plan first. I believe they do it to steal my thunder, and not gracefully either. My MIL seem to side with them too, she mentioned it’s ok for them to go first. Dear fiance and I tried to move up our wedding date so that they could marry later but the same year. but whatever date we came up with they proposed something earlier. To me it was obvious they wanted to go first. So fiance n I gracefully set out date after them. It was a mistake. I regretted not standing up to my own wedding and giving in to them. My MIL was financially drained after their wedding, and she liked to steal my ideas to use on theirs. Weird thing also for a couple so competitive, they didn’t do the works at all. My MIL got them cupcakes that was supposed to be my idea, so i stop sharing my ideas with her. My DF had to help print and distribute their wedding invites. These episodes put a lot of strain in our relationship. Worse, we went to their wedding with present, while they came to our wedding as freeloaders, eating, not helping at all and not a single gift insight.
    I think whoever is engaged and announced the wedding first should definitely go first. If there really is a pressing matter, the couple want to overtake has better ask nicely and downplay their party. Anyways my BIL n wife are just childish and not courteous about it, served them right for their disastrous wedding reception; the place was dark, bad music,few friends came, the bride was almost in tears in the corner, no smiling people in the pictures. I am so grateful I have a wonderful husband and we totally enjoyed our wedding, a celebration of love with 1000 strong guests of family and friends. Lots laughters and smiles on our weddings. Of course I would be smiling too on their wedding if she didn’t crop me out of all their wedding pics..:-/
    I have not forgiven BIL and wife and my MIL for their acts though..

  • Jen

    I totally understand both views. We actually have friends getting married this september, that have been together for two years. My fiance and I have been together almost 7 years when we got engaged. They were going to get married early in the year but postponed for a baby, so even tho we got engaged after we asked if they would mind us getting married beforehand… the bride just asked that it be earlier then closer as the grooms are one anothers best mans and we two are in one anothers bridal party… There are 9 weeks between weddings and it can be hard at times especially since they would rather focus on their wedding then help us but it is managable.

  • http://Angela Michelle

    I understand the brothers stand point. 4 months after getting engaged, my fiancés younger sister and her partner decided to get engaged. They announced their wedding would take place 6 weeks prior to ours. It defiantly felt like the thunder was stolen!! I was really looking forward to having a year I wedding preparation, and parties and enjoying the experience of being the bride. Now my fiancés family is so indulged in the Sisters wedding, they don’t have time or think about our wedding. In an attempt to bond with mother and sister in law to be, I invited them dress shopping… And the sister actualy tried on dresses at my appointment!! Everything would always revert back to her wedding, I ciuld never have my moment in the sun without te focus being directed back to her! Even though we love them very much, we did feel it was inappropriate to have their wedding first. It’s the respectful thing to do, especially if they aren’t having a long engagement. It just takes away from the once a
    Life experience that every bride deserves when she is the center if attention, and you should respect that :)

  • J

    I can see both point of views from yourself and your brother. I being a bride to be, have gotten engaged last May (2010) and quickly set our wedding date for the end of this year. My fiance’s brother then recently proposed and there was talk about them wanting to get married before us. I feel as if they did that, they are “stealing my thunder”. If anything the couple who is second to plan their wedding should at least plan their wedding for after the first original set wedding. That way the brides will both be able to have their day without feeling ripped off. If this is the case with your brother, I hope you understand where he is coming from. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Or picture this, you plan this big celebration for your family, a once in a life time gathering! Everything is set, you are excited because this is your day and you only get it once. Then, all of a sudden your sibbling decides to plan this great big gathering with friends and family and does it before your big day which has been planned. Would you not feel as if they are not being respectful towards you and taking away from your special day? As far as your brother says no one should get married in the same year, I do not agree with that but I do agree that your wedding should be planned for after his. They were first to schedule and plan and you should be respectful of that. Have your wedding after theirs!

  • Josie

    I also can understand how your brother feels; however, I think it is unreasonable to think it should be in a completely different year (months are ok though), as sometimes, with family members or friends all within a certain age range, it may be annoying to have to spread out the weddings across different years. I am actually a bride-to-be, who is experiencing the opposite situation. A family member from my fiance’s family has decided to schedule their wedding seven days after our own. You can imagine that I am not happy about this, b/c I never dreamed to share the family gatherings and all of that leading up to the wedding, with another couple (might I add – they are also the attention-seeking kind). As well, they have actually already been engaged for 2 years and only decided to schedule their wedding after we scheduled ours…seven days after. It is greatly frustrating since our weddings will for sure be compared by the families, and they don’t understand how it could affect me or my fiance. But also, in fact, with mutual guests, we now have to consider coordinating guest lists (b/c we can’t have guests invited to one wedding and not the other), and we probably won’t be able to go on our honeymoon since we’ll have to wait around for their wedding (meaning my fiance and I would have to go back to work right after our wedding instead). This is not how I pictured my wedding to happen. It is also difficult to maintain composure when dealing with this situation, especially as this other couple doesn’t remotely understand why we would be upset. Advice on how to deal with this?

  • Courtney

    I can understand why your brother might feel that way. My fiance’s sister got married last year, and because many of our overseas guests attended her wedding, they can’t afford to attend ours this year. But if you don’t have many out-of-town or overseas guests then I don’t see what the problem is. Maybe your brother and his fiance don’t want the attention to be taken away from them or your weddings to be compared?