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Choosing Your Attendants
One of the biggest decisions you’ll make when it comes to planning your wedding (aside from your choice of groom, of course!) is who to choose to be your attendants—and how best to do it. In today’s day and age, sisters, siblings, and second-cousins-once-removed may all be on the shortlist, in addition to your own dear friends. Narrowing it down to a reasonably sized group can be challenging, so I thought I’d offer my thoughts in hopes of possibly helping other brides-to-be.
When deciding on bridesmaids and a maid of honour, I believe the most important thing is to think about what you feel the roles represent. I believe it’s an honourable position, reflective of a person’s importance in your life—not just on your wedding day. I chose people I know have been there through thick and thin before there was even talk of a wedding, and I know will be there through the good times and the bad for the rest of the marriage. It’s great to have somebody who’ll hold your flowers while you make the biggest promises of your life, or hold up your dress in a tiny bathroom stall after one too many Starbucks—but it’s better to be able to share the most amazing day of your life with the people who’ll still be there if you and your hubby have a fight, or who’ll jump for joy when you decide to start a family.
I know of many brides who’ve succumbed to pressure from mothers/aunts/future-mother-in-laws, and have been talked into asking their fiancé’s sister’s-best-friends to stand up in place of their own. It’s a difficult situation in which to say “no” —but it’s important to remember that this is your celebration, and standing up there with you should be the people you can count on for life.
Once you’ve made your wedding party decisions, however, you may be left with a few people you really would like to include in being a part of your big day. I certainly have a few, and David and I are currently looking for alternate roles which will make these people feel valued and responsible—but won’t hinder their enjoyment of the celebration. Let’s face it—guest books and cakes can look after themselves, and I’d much rather my friends were able to enjoy the festivities without being tied to a table!
Right now, we’re thinking of a few things:
- Ceremony readings: An important part of the ceremony, but I know first-hand how intimidating it can be, and we don’t want to instigate any anxiety or stage fright!
- Walking grandparents down the aisle: I personally don’t have any extended family here in Canada, but David’s is full of wonderful people. This way, the whole family can be honoured in walking down the aisle.
- Witnesses to signing the marriage license
- Candle lighting: We’re undecided on what sort of unity ceremony we may have, but even if it doesn’t include candles, our priest (and good friend) loves the idea of a candle-lit ceremony—a time consuming role, but hopefully one that could be tackled by a group—who would hopefully be happy to see their hard work create such a beautiful atmosphere!
What are your thoughts on wedding party inclusion, and alternative roles for those not directly in an attendant position?
Tags: blogger search, bridesmaids, maid of honour, traditional, wedding party
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38 Responses to “Choosing Your Attendants”
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I know, I know. LATE comment! But I wanted to say I think what you’ve done regarding the wedding party is mature and fair and by the end of it you’ll have not regrets as to who stood up to share your special day. :)
So excited for you!!! :) :)
Hey!
I thankfully didn’t have any pressure to include anyone in my wedding party, but it still is a hard decision. I thought it was important to include people with whom I had history with, not just necessarily the people that I hang out with the most. I’m also trying to find roles for the other important people in my life, and just to add to your list, you can have a couple of MC’s to include more of your friends/family.
As well, I don’t have to pick christian music…so I welcome secular ideas!
I’m so thankful that no one pressured me on my attendant choice, I see that popular opinion shows most brides are. I think that’s unfortunate, they aren’t thinking about how they’d feel if someone put them in that position.
And it does become hard to say no, especially if it’s your mom, or someone close upset by your choices.
I agree that the bride should not let other people dictate who should be in her bridal party. You spend so much time with them planning the wedding, and it’s important to have someone you can share every aspect (laughing, crying, etc) with.
hey em I found your link on facebook & wanted to say a big HELLO from across the pond. just catchin up on readin your other blogs & i reckon you should take this, looks like your the only person who’s blog mates from normal blogging are all on board too!!! :o) keep up the good writin and we all wish you the best of luck (after your lot you deserve it!), kel says hi too, talk soon and all the best. vote emily people!!!
soph xxx
Aww, thanks again :) You guys are too sweet. I think we’re both very blessed this time around :)
I’d love to do lunch again soon – let me know when you’re free!
Very nice post my dear! And I’ll echo the same thing that some of the ladies have been saying: you’re going to have one great looking wedding party :). Great on you for sharing some advice on picking your wedding attendants and I agree that it’s sometimes hard to say no but it is YOUR wedding so you should be able to have everything you wanted on YOUR day.
I’m glad you’re able to spend your day with those that were there for you through thick and thin even before the engagement – I’m just as equally blessed! All of my wedding party have been there for Mark and I through our toughest times (either before we met and our life together).
Great post as always! Let’s do lunch again soon, I’d love to hear about your trip :).
Hi Roxanne, JULY!! That’s so soon!! You must be so excited… I’m very lucky I don’t have anyone pushing me into doing anything, but I’m glad it helped :) I know it’s something lots of people struggle with.
I like all the ideas! I’m just hoping to find the most meaningful things to show the people we care about how important they are to us – I refuse to stick somebody by a cake stand :)
Very nice reminder for me Em as my daughter is getting married in July and I definitely don’t want to be the pushy mother of the bride. Keep the reminders coming!
I also like the unity candle idea:)
omg you girls are hot stuff!!!
you’re gonna look fab, great pic. love your sentiment as always and i think all of the ideas you have so far are really meaningful & i’m sure those people in your life will feel just as special as they are to you. let me know what readings you pick ‘cuz i’m having a tough time with the same thing!!!
Hey Em, I love how you made a post to help other people even if it hasn’t been your experience directly. Its hard for some ppl when they have pushy friends all trying to be a bridesmaid and pushy relatives too and your blessed in that you have two very close ladies, and a supportive family in Davids family – I know you’ve gone thru a lot with your own and I admire the fact you took the time to address something some other ppl might be going thru too =-)
Love your suggestions on how to include others, Em. :) If I had had a wedding ceremony I would have had one or two people stand up for me and let the others just observe an intimate ceremony. I am not jealous of women who have pressures from pushy family members and complicated decisions to make and end up with eight bridesmaids!
I like the idea of only have a few attendants. So often there seem to be 7 or 8 on each side, which is really excessive. I think there are plenty of other ways family and friends can be included.
And sweetie I’m the luckiest to be sharing this with you, and with your wonderful family – you know I’ve had a tough time with being so far away from my family and friends back in the UK, and your family have been more wonderful and have done more for me than I ever could’ve imagined. I’m so lucky to be able to have them all in my life, let alone soon call relatives :)
Kier!! Thanks so much for following, I didn’t know you read! I really wish you were here, too. *Hugs*
Great Post! Very true!
One of the most special parts of our big day will be that I get to share the best of my life with my amazing friends and especially family that have been there for me in and incredible way my entire life and I could never ask for a better bride and could never ask for a better family, bar none!
This is a very honest, true and thoughtful approach to that difficult situation of picking people to fill those roles. I would genuinely expect nothing less of you honey.
I thoroughly enjoy reading about your marital progress throught these blogs, it softens the blow of not living close enough to enjoy the ride with you in person.
Hey everyone!! Thank you so much for your sweet comments, ideas, and ongoing support. It means such a lot, it really does :)
And Brittney – as always, I <3 you. "Best Dog Escort" was pretty much the best part of my day :)
You guys rock!! xx
I’ve already decided to have my mom as my maid-of-honor. She’s the most important woman in my life and my very best friend. And I want her to be up there with me. The hard part comes in choosing bridesmaids. I don’t have many friends that I’m THATCLOSE with that I want as bridesmaids. But I have 5 younger girl cousins that I love and adore dearly so I always thought it would be a great and sweet way to have them as my bridesmaids to ensure a lot less drama and a lot more fun!
Aw! Yes, I’ve heard many of my girlfriends talking about this dilemma. Most recently from my best friend, who’s getting married in June! I didn’t realize all the family politics that surround a marriage! It’s crazy. :P But it sounds like you’ve got everything under control, and I really love the idea of finding other roles to incorporate other important/special people who aren’t a part of the actual wedding party. Awesome.
I totally agree, it’s important to be standing up there with the friends you know and trust (and not the grooms second cousin twice removed!). Brilliant post, hey :)
Choosing my bridesmaids was an INSANE headache – My sisters, and his sister were given. But beyond that, I ended up with 4 friends playing the role too. I feel fortunate to have been so confused about picking my attendants because it means that I have lots of wonderful people in my life who wanted to be part of that day!
Great post Em! I’ve seen so many people get married and do things to satisfy other people — I’m happy you’re not giving in to what others may want.
I love that you have just the two girls standing up with you. So many weddings I’ve seen lately have just been overflowing with attendants. It’s great if all of those people are that close to the couple, but sometimes it just seems like a lot. I like the idea of a wedding party that is smaller and more intimate.
You are a strong chica, Em, and this is a great wedding post to write about stickin’ to your guns. One of my best friends recently revealed to me that I’m going to be her maid of honor in her wedding…I was shocked that it wasn’t a family member or sister-in-law. But why shouldn’t you pick the person closest to you? :)
For my girls, I went with women who saw me grow up, knew me long before I knew my groom — and it was well worth it. I didn’t worry who knew each other already and by the end of things, we were all good pals anyways.
That being said, ways that we worked in other roles.. Ushers are always good, though I think we just utilized some of our groomsmen because I didn’t want to force anyone into a tux for such a short while?
We happen to have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, two of which were just a smidge too old for “ring bearer” (and a pillow doesn’t need three escorts) but a smidge too young for groomsmen (plus we had matching #’s of both maids/groomsmen and didn’t want to muss it up). We also had my sister’s fiance and my darling sister in law, so we went with:
2 flower girls, accompanied by the eldest nephew, our “Flower Girl escort” (made sure they made it down the aisle lol)
Ring Bearer
Best Dog Escort (since Bailey was in our wedding, we easily had a “spot” the second eldest nephew could do)
2 ceremony readers: both read poems.
i’ve always thought that choosing your attendants would be one of the more difficult tasks of planning a wedding. especially if you have more than a few really amazing people in your life.
i should let you know that not only do filipino catholic weddings usually have 8++ bridesmaids and groomsmen (each!) and x amount of readings, they have the “Pinning of the Veil” and “Placing of the Cord” as part of the traditional ceremony too. (and you can imagine how LONG these wedding ceremonies are!)
Hmmmm for other roles if you have troubles with readings how about handing out programs, or greeters? If you have anyone musically inclined how about having them perform a little something at the ceremony or reception?
Another lovely post dear!!!
What a wonderful post about making an important wedding day decision! My husband and I were lucky in that we never felt pressure to include anyone. We wanted our brothers involved. And we had the perfect number of friends to round out our sides. I definitely feel for grooms and brides who experience external pressure to include someone they otherwise wouldn’t.
Iagree with you, I wish I selected my bridesmaids this way, not by peer/family pressure. All the best to you Emily.
I agree with you – it’s YOUR day and you should choose the people you’d like to be up there with you. I know it’s hard though – with our wedding the hard part was having to say no to parents who were already helping a tonne with paying for a large part of the wedding – but I really didn’t want my mom’s sisters stepkid in my wedding party, and I was too chicken to say no – but it was ok, we had beautiful pics, it just kind of defeats the purpose of having attendants if you ask me!
For other roles I def. agree with you, I’d be mortified if someone asked me to watch the cake or the guest book, it’d take all the fun out of everything plus I’d be all awkward by myself in pictures LOL – I love the idea of readings, it’d be a really special way of including those people.
Choosing my attendants was a difficult process. We decided early on that we wanted no more than three attendants each and I was planning to ask my three dear girlfriends. I have two sisters, though, and even though one wouldn’t have minded not being in the wedding party and I’m not close at all to the other, my mother insisted that they be my attendants. Which meant that we had to either a: change the structure of our wedding (and budget because we paid for our attendant’s attire) to accommodate 5 attendants each (and then find 2 more for him) or b: exclude 2 of my girlfriends (which is what we ended up doing.) It makes me sad now – I wish that I had not buckled under my mother’s pressure.
You all look so pretty in your picture! And it sounds like your plans to make people feel involved are very thoughtful!
Another great post em, and I hope everyone sees how genuine and thoughtful you are throughout this whole thing. Your wedding is going to be beautiful, and you ladies are STUNNING!
great topic! i could have used this when i got married…i couldn’t decide and ended up with 8 bridesmaids!!! best time ever though :)
I’m glad that you’re doing what you’re comfortable with, and that you’re making the day about you guys and not about fourth and fifth cousinz.
But I’m biased because I’m so so honoured to be your MOH! =)
*wedding dance*
I love this, it’s sooooooo Emily, at the same time as planning your own happiness you still think about everyone around you and how they will be affected by the decisions you make… It is such a selfless thing you do, creating roles for people…
If i get married all these decisions just seem so insignificant to me. I would just be happy with my groom and I going somewhere to get married, then coming back and having the mother of all celebrations with everyone as equals, we are all people after all, and those ones who are special to me know they are special to me, i’d like to think they would just be happy that i’d made the decision to get married, it doesn’t matter who holds the bouquet, it doesn’t matter who watches me sign my name, it doesn’t matter who passes the knife to cut the cake. anyone and everyone invited is invited because I love them.
I love the way you think about things….
Wonderfully said, Em. I think you put it very well and it’s very difficult at times when you have all sorts of people trying to tell you who you should include, plus all the guilty feelings of not including absolutely everybody you care about! Its important to keep a perspective that these people are going to be the ones you trust and count on during the day, but also in real life as well. Sounds like you have a great couple of friends – and you’re all going to look just gorgeous!
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