Expert Advice On Narrowing Down The Guest List

By | Posted

Maureen and Bill, David's parents, 1960. St. Ashby's Church, Sydney, Nova Scotia.

Celebrity wedding planner David Connolly from Rich Bride, Poor Bride has joined Weddingbells as a guest blogger answering all of your burning wedding-related questions. Need some help with the planning process? Have a question about etiquette, organization or budgeting? Post your question in the comment field below and we’ll forward it directly to David.

Here is this week’s reader question:

Q: Is it acceptable to invite people to only the ceremony (not reception)? We can’t afford to feed all the extended family. How do we indicate this to them on the invitation?
- Lauren Peters

A: Hi Lauren,

Thank you for your question. It allows me to throw down the gauntlet on my first entry and suggest that, “We can’t afford to feed all the extended family” actually means “We don’t want the extended family at our reception, otherwise we would have prioritized our planning to make that possible.”

No judgement. It’s your prerogative, but be clear that your day is designed by your priorities. Don’t blame the budget.

Any budget number can divide into any number of guests and result in a heart-felt affair. A small budget can host 300 people at an alcohol-free BYO-BBQ in a park accessible by public transit with an mp3 dock and visit from an ice cream truck. The same budget could chauffeur 12 of your closest friends to meet you for a night at the finest restaurant in the city.

How can you establish your priorities? Start by answering these questions:

1. Why are we getting married?
2. Why are we having a wedding?

The most common reason to get married is to become a family and a wedding is generally the celebration of becoming that family with…your family. Who and how big in numbers your “family” is can be determined by making a list, in order of importance, of who you want to be there. Whose support you’d like as you promise to love someone forever. Then draw a line where the list divides between “must-have” and “negotiable”. There, all done. Your guest list should be the “must-haves”, for they represent your chosen family and you don’t need anyone else. Let the “negotiables” and “would-be ceremony-only” guests off the hook. Chances are anyone you invite because you think you have to will attend only because they think they have to. And that is not the stuff miracles are made of.

My advice: Only invite guests that you can “afford” to have with you all day long.

Hope that’s helpful,

David

David Connolly is the owner of Aisle File, Toronto’s premiere wedding agency. He was a contributing author to Rich Bride, Poor Bride’s Ultimate Wedding Planning Guide and is a recurring wedding advisor on Entertainment Tonight Canada, Breakfast Television and is a series expert on Big Voice, currently airing on the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Comments

  • Jessie

    I have a question for David. My younger sister is marrying a guy she has been dating for less than 1.5 years. She’s only 20 and this is their first real relationship. They are still in that lovey-dovey honeymoon stage and he constantly showers her in gifts. We don’t really know the guy very well and he makes no effort to get to know our family. In fact, they’ve catered their wedding date so his family is able to attend but members of our direct family can’t. How do I suggest to my sister that I think she should wait longer before marrying this guy without being mean?

  • Scott

    I would have liked to see more detail on how to distinguish “must-have” and “negotiable”. I am just as confused now as I did before reading the article.

    Do I invite people whose weddings I attended? I need guidance!!! People I work with? People I was close with in high school, still talk to over Facebook or bumping into them as life as taken us in different directions?

    Need more meat in this article!!

  • JCS

    That’s ridiculous. I have tons of friends I want to come party with us after the ceremony and that’s what they’ll do. All of our family, including some step-aunts and uncles (given this day in age where sometimes, as in our case, both parents are divorced with additional family involved) are invited to both the ceremony and the reception. Of course, that left little room for us to feed all of our friends. Our closest are coming to both, yes, but our friends from work and sports teams will be coming for the dance and we’re so happy for that. We’re 23, our parents are not paying for our wedding, and yes – 130 people was our limit. I bought my dress from a charity and even found used rings. It is not a matter of making our budget any bigger, that’s for sure.