For many years Peggy Post, Emily Post’s great-granddaughter-in-law, spokesperson and author for the Emily Post Institute, has been helping brides swim their way out of sticky situations. Peggy has been known to share her expertise with monthly columns at Good Housekeeping and Parents magazine. She’s also made guest appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Dateline NBC, Dr. Phil, The View, CNN, Live with Regis & Kelly and many others. Weddingbells recently scored some downtime with Peggy and got her to answer a few of the most popular etiquette questions we receive.
Weddingbells: Guest list; what do you do about children if you don’t want to invite them? What do you do when people are bullying you into letting other guests attend?
Peggy Post: The invitation says it all. If you only want to invite a certain person but not their family or their significant other, then your best bet would be to only print their name on the invites. If people RSVP with their children’s names, you can gently remind them by calling ahead of time. Let them know that their kids are great, but you’re just not having children under the age of 12, or you can let them know that you’re only inviting immediate family. What do you do if single friends want to bring dates? Nobody can ever dictate to you and try to get you to change your mind, it’s your prerogative as a person. Although it’s a nice gesture to let your single friends bring a date, it’s not a must.
WB: Do you have to have a receiving line?
PP: The answer is no; you can do whatever you want. It’s the smart thing to do if you have 80 people or more. However, it’s up to the couple to make sure that they are able to greet everybody that’s there and thank them for coming.
WB: Rehearsal dinner; do we have to invite guests from out of town?
PP: The answer is no. It’s the polite thing to do, but technically the rehearsal dinner is meant for the bride and groom, the officiant, attendants and immediate family. Those are the core people, and then you may or may not invite out of town guests. It all depends, if you only have three out of town guests then it probably isn’t a big deal to have them at your reception, but if you have 10 you may find yourself hosting another reception.
WB: What if the bride has a stepfather and a biological father, who walks her down the aisle?
PP: That type of question is situational. She can fall back on tradition and have her biological father walk down the aisle. If she’s equally close to both, then she can have both of them walk down the aisle, if that works for her. She can also stroll down the aisle with her mother. It all depends on whom she’s closest to. Maybe she can walk down the aisle by herself. There are many variations. The only right way is to do what works for her, without offending people. She can be creative and do whatever she likes.
WB: Destination weddings; do you invite people even if you know they won’t come? Who do you invite?
PP: I would send an invitation to the people that you’re closest to. Don’t guess for people, they’ll be really hurt if they knew you were having a wedding and you didn’t invite them because you didn’t think they would come. Who knows, they just might go. And, don’t invite people if you’re only expecting a gift.
WB: What if you get into a sticky situation with your bridesmaid?
PP: You should really work on trying to reconcile. Anything is possible. Make every effort to kiss and make up.
WB: How do you deal with bridezillas?
PP: Talk to them! You can go out and relax, maybe go to a spa or have a drink after work. Do something to try to calm her down and try to be open-minded. Communication is key. Don’t go on the attack and talk to her about all your concerns. You can elicit help from other bridesmaids, or even the groom, but don’t gang up on her. Just try and understand what she’s going through and try to help her with anything.
WB: How do you tell your guests that you want money as gifts?
PP: You don’t demand it. You would handle that the same way you would handle your gift registry wish list, you wait until someone asks you what you like. Don’t put it in your wedding invitations. You can get the word out through your bridesmaids, maid of honour and mother. However, when it comes down to it, it’s really the guest’s decision. Ideally they will give you something that you like. But you can’t dictate to them that you only want cash. You can also spread the word by letting your guests know where you’re registered and then state that cash is at the top of your wish list, but reiterate to them that whatever they choose is wonderful.
WB: Guests that don’t RSVP in time, how do you deal?
PP: Delegate. Get people to start calling. You may call and follow up and say, “Oh, we hope you received the invitation and we hope you can join us.” If they still don’t know, there’s a point where you let them know that you really have to know by this certain date we’d love it if you could’ve joined us, but sorry.
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Posted by Alyse on June 18, 2009 at 2:49 a.m.
What if the bride has a stepfather and a biological father, who walks her down the aisle?
I've heard of having the biological father walk the bride halfway down the aisle and her stepfather walking her the rest of the way down the aisle
Posted by freaked bride on October 3, 2010 at 1:20 p.m.
Do I have to invite my cousin's same sex partner?
Posted by Marg on October 31, 2010 at 5:37 p.m.
I have a situation that is really upsetting and I'm just at a loss. My Mom is my rock. She has always been super supportive and is happy I'm marrying my fiance but the problem is my Dad left us when I was a teen and it was a tough go and my Mom, Grama and I have been super close ever since. I have tried over the years to forgive my Dad and move on without bitterness in my heart, and I do go visit him and his new family every once in awhile. My Mom and I have come a long way, and its been a long long time since this has all happened, but my Mom is having a really hard time with my Dad participating in my wedding so much so that she has been having heart troubles and other health problems stemming from stress. I am not shocked that this would be difficult..as it will be the first time they are in same room for over 15 years but her behaviour lately has been really taken a toll on me . I have asked her to walk me down the aisle and asked her to be my Matron of Honour, and she has informed me that she does not want to have a "starring Mother of the bride" role it will be too hard for her, she is even turning down any oppurtunities to speak at the wedding. I have informed my Dad that I'll be walking down the aisle alone ..and he seems to be ok and open to whatever I want and I have given him the responsibility of choosing our song for the Father Daughter dance. Mom knows this will happen but basically we had it out last week because she's been stewing in her mind bits of information that aren't true and imagined that I went back on my plans and want Dad to be a starring Father of the Bride role and accused me of having no concept of how difficult this is for her and being totally insensitive to her needs..which has never been the case, I'd say the extreme opposite.
She basically threatened if he speaks or has a part in my wedding (besides the dance) she will not be able to handle it and will not come. This sounds dreadfully manipulative and yes I told her so, and that if she was having this much trouble accepting my Dad into the wedding than she might speak to councillor, but I am really struggling at how to help her with this transition, she is not ordinarily manipulative so even though I'm very aware that she knows how to press my buttons I do fear that she'll get herself in more serious health problems worrying about it...we still are just over 7 months away!
Any ideas?
Posted by Beth W on January 9, 2011 at 11:58 a.m.
Marg - I can imagine more has progressed, but for what it's worth, I think you've done the right things so far. I'd suggest defining your Dad's roll, then sit down with your Mom. Acknowledge her feelings, not just for the wedding but since the situation first happened, and then tell her your feelings. Explain that you are doing your best to meet her halfway by having your needs met while being mindful of her feelings. You'd like her to do (welcome & grace, walk you down the aisle, ?) at the wedding, and hope she can make a final decision on those things by (pick a date). You'll appreciate whatever participation she's comfortable with, but those things would fulfill your dream for your day.
By providing a decision date, you both know it's not something that has to come up in every conversation about the wedding, and your Mom can take her time getting used to the idea (or not). It will also allow you time to have alternate plans ready, and then there's no last minute scrambling or hard feelings.
Good luck!
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