Desire discrepancy, otherwise known as the "I'm hot and you're not" enigma, is the most common sexual issue married couples lock horns over, according to family therapist Dr. Patrica Love.
Love, the Austin, Texas-based author of the popular book Hot Monogamy, says she hates to even refer to this as a "problem."
"I think it's unfortunate that it's called a sexual problem, because it's the norm," says Love. "It's rare that both partners want sex at the same time. But it's this difference that keeps things exciting, new and novel. It forms a tension and the tension between two people is what keeps them interested."
Unrealistic expectations often plague sex after marriage--the belief that sex will always be like it is in the beginning.
"Nature has programmed us to have lots of sexual interest in the beginning," says Love.
"Over time, this changes. It's confusing if you don't know your sex drive is going to change. People think it's going to always be the same without any effort. But nothing in life goes on like that without any effort."
She says that a commitment to ongoing discovery as a couple is a vital ingredient to a healthy relationship, sexual or otherwise. That means examining needs, making adjustments and transforming low spots. Physical desire has more to do with hormones than harmony, but each party has to take personal responsibility for their behaviour.
Some Thoughts for the Hottie:
- Be clear with your partner about the importance of sex to you.
- Honour your partner's preconditions.
- Be reasonable about your expectations.
- Be generous in meeting your partner's needs.
- Accept and acknowledge your partner's sexual generosity, however limited it may be at the moment.
Advice for the Not-So-Hot:
- Take steps to feel comfortable with your own desire level.
- Be responsible for your own arousal: it's not all up to your partner to "get you in the mood."
- Be clear on your sexual needs versus the non-sexual needs in your relationship.
- Recognize and acknowledge the sexual cues your partner is sending rather than ignoring or dismissing them.
