If you're inclined to shout "We don't need therapy!" at the mere suggestion of
pre-marital counselling, you might be missing out on a good investment in your emotional
future as a couple.
Marriage preparation courses are not about therapy. Neither do they aim to
expose you as a dysfunctional couple. They're simply designed to provide the
communication tools needed to deal with any inevitable bumps on your road ahead.
If you plan to marry in a church, synagogue or mosque, chances are you have
been, or will be, asked to take part in some type of preparation course. Think of it
less like "Sunday School," and more along the lines of "Driver's Ed," with some sex talk
thrown in for good measure. If you're having a civil or nonreligious ceremony, there are
also many options available through family counsellors and marriage therapists.
Secular or religious, a typical prep course take you through a series of
sessions, a few how-to videos and a lot of role-playing.
Brian Murray, a marriage therapist and Anglican minister in Aurora, Ont., says
the last thing he ever wants to do is sermonize to couples. "As soon as you start
preaching to them, telling them what to do or what to believe, you can see their eyes
glaze over," says Murray, who teaches a course called The Getting Married Program in
the Toronto area.
Though his program is based on Judeo-Christian values, it is non-religious and focuses on building relationships through better communication and conflict resolution.
It's About Giving Good Talk
Those good communication skills are the real foundation for happily-ever-after,
suggests Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and
Couples Education, (CMFCE), based in Washington, DC. "It's absolutely crucial." Her
organization provides referrals to couples in the U.S. and Canada who are looking for
reputable marriage preparation material.
"It's not a character flaw that's causing a 50-percent divorce rate," says
Sollee. She says current research indicates that marriages fail or succeed based on how
well a couple communicates and deals with difficulties.
According to Sollee, the benefits of taking a course are immediate and lasting.
You will be better equipped to beat the odds - whether this is your first marriage or
not. You'll learn the things that experts have determined will make for a successful
till-death-do-us-part marriage. You'll also learn how to effectively manage change. It
has been said many times, usually in a negative context, that "people change." A course
should teach the two of you not just to accept those inevitable changes but to thrive on
them.
"If you are lucky enough to find someone who you want to spend the rest of your
life with, the absolutely most romantic thing you can do is to take a marriage education
course to make sure that you keep the good thing you've found," says Sollee.
As Natural as Sex
Talk, listen, talk: the basic goal of any marriage preparation course is to get
people to communicate better. Participants learn how to constructively express what's on
their minds - good, bad or ugly - and also how to listen to their partners without
instigating a debate.
Participants also learn about resolving, rather than escalating, conflicts.
According to researchers, one of the keys to handling conflict in your new marriage will
be the realization that periods of anger and disagreement are not a sure-fire signal to
call the divorce lawyers. They're as natural a part of marriage as sex.
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