By the time you walk down the aisle, it’s inevitable that countless assumptions and stereotypes about marriage, love—and even your spouse—will have crossed your mind.
In fact doubts, confusion and misinformation can be the biggest and most common problems that couples face, explains Kristine Rea, a registered clinical counselor based in Vancouver. But rest easy, says Rea. Eventually you’ll realize those notions that you accepted while growing up, or watching your parents, or being exposed to society and the media’s messages, are rooted in myth.
Myth #1: Pre-nuptial agreements and other before-marriage money matters are issues only for wealthy people to sort out.
Truth: No matter what income bracket you fall into, it’s extremely important to have honest discussions about finances in order to avoid surprises in the future. Although you may think that many things can be taken for granted between you and your spouse, pre-marriage agreements will help you avoid many headaches as you plan for the future and for pivotal events in your life like buying your first home or having children. Contrary to what many believe, pre-nups are also a good option for couples as a precaution, since they’re designed to protect both spouses, and not just the wealthier one. In fact, one-sided or unfair agreements are most likely not even enforceable in court.
Myth #2: Living together before you are married is a great test to see how suitable you are for marriage.
Truth: Living together can help you sort out important issues before the marriage, but it can’t prepare you for life after marriage. “The path of a relationship isn’t predictable,” says psychologist Dr. Beth Hedva, author of Betrayal, Trust and Forgiveness: A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal (Ten Speed Press, 2001). “It’s filled with potholes and bumps—for example common ones regarding money or how to raise children. You can expect those issues to surface eventually during a marriage no matter what, based on your own personal history and experiences with family.”
Myth #3: Marrying your soul mate will make all your problems disappear.
Truth: “I hear from many couples that their marriage was wonderful for X amount of time, but suddenly they find it just goes away,” says Beth Mares, a premarital counselor in Toronto. “They are fine until they get to the same level of conflict they had experienced before in their life, and when they can’t handle it problems begin to arise.” The truth is, marriages cannot be built on a broken foundation. Your spouse cannot be expected to be a life preserver—spouses need to find peace and security on their own to keep afloat.
Myth #4: Love is all you need. If you really love each other, your marriage should be easy.
Truth: “In our world, relationships are very romanticized. People love the idea of life-long love, but what they haven’t seen is the work associated with this love,” Rea says. “People are driven towards connection and when they long for that idea, many don’t know how to get past the illusions they believe in.” Rea recommends talking with a professional to learn what it will take for you and your spouse to make your marriage easier, but not necessarily easy.
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