Wedding Bells

Divorced Parents Etiquette

If you or your groom’s parents are divorced, check out these tips for including everyone on your big day. By Madeleine Foote

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Most engaged couples today have at least one divorced set of parents between them. Divorced parents can be a source of much stress for the bride-to-be and many brides are lost when it comes to etiquette in inviting, seating and photographing divorced family members. Here are some etiquette tips for handling divorced parents at your wedding.

Guest List & Invitations
Unless you are estranged from a natural parent, they’ll probably expect to be attending your wedding. If you’re close with your step-parents and stepsiblings, it’s a nice gesture to invite them as well, but this decision is ultimately yours. Here are some etiquette tips for wording invitations and inviting divorced family members.

• Wording invitations: If your parents are divorced, your invitations should read “Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith request the honour…” rather than “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the honour…”
• Approaching estranged parents: If you haven’t spoken to one of your parents in many years and would like to invite them, you may want to inform your closer parent that you are doing so. It’s also a good idea to preface an invitation with a phone call.
• Planning ahead: To avoid surprises, make sure both parents know the other is coming.

Ceremony & Bridal Party
It’s always the bride and groom’s decision whom to include in the bridal party, and that may include step-parents or stepsiblings. Brides-to-be may also face the decision of who will give her away at the wedding ceremony. Here are some tips to avoid hurt feelings.

• Including everyone: In order to avoid offending anyone, it’s important to discuss your bridal party plans with your parents and siblings before setting anything in stone. If you plan to include stepsiblings, it would be a nice gesture to also include your biological siblings in some way.
• Choosing your aisle accompaniment: Traditionally the father of the bride will walk her down the aisle, however it is completely up to the bride to choose who will give her away. The key to avoiding hurt feelings is to talk about your decision with your father and/or stepfather beforehand. It’s never a good idea to let anyone assume they are escorting you down the aisle.
• When you have both a father and a stepfather: If you are close with your father and stepfather, and they are on good terms, you can ask both to walk you down the aisle. However, again, this should be discussed with both parties beforehand.
• Asking your mom to give you away: It is increasingly common to see mothers walking their daughters down the aisle, which is a good option for brides whose fathers are estranged or have passed away. Brothers, grandfathers, even your future father-in-law are other options for aisle accompaniment.
• Seating divorced parents: Traditionally the bride’s mother sits in the front pew on her side, and the father right behind the mother in the second pew. If parents are divorced, they can either sit together in the first pew, or separately in the front pew, or one in the first pew and one in the second. Make sure your ushers know where your parents are sitting.

Reception & Photographs
This is where things get tricky. At the reception, there’s seating, toasts, the receiving line and photographs to consider. This is where planning and communication are key. Here are some etiquette tips to make the reception go off without a hitch.

• Give the photographer a list: Make a list of “must-haves” for the photographer to ensure they don’t miss anyone (i.e. step-parents and siblings), and make sure you get some photos with just you and your biological parents, even if they are shot individually.
• Wedding party pictures: If you want both parents in the shot make sure they are okay with standing together. If not, you can have one parent on either side of you. If you want to include their spouses, make sure you discuss this with each of them beforehand so everyone knows who is standing where.
• Receiving line: Receiving lines traditionally include the mothers of the bride and groom, with fathers as optional participants. You can include step-parents if you wish, just make sure everyone is aware of this ahead of time.
• Reception seating: Parents should generally be seated with their spouses. This can mean a crowded head table, so you might want to consider seating parents at a table close to the head table. If divorced parents are on good terms, seat them at the same table. However, if they are not on good terms, you may wish to have them seated at separate tables close to the head table.
• Toasts: The parents of the bride traditionally give a toast as hosts, thanking the guests for coming and congratulating the bride and groom. If you want, both parents can give separate toasts or you and the groom can act as the hosts and give the toast yourselves.

In the end, planning a wedding with divorced parents is not that different from planning any other wedding. The key is communication—make sure everyone knows the plan well before the wedding and you will avoid surprises.